You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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