Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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