Your mouth is God's brothel.
My cat gives me a boner
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
