I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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