I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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