can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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