Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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