She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
