I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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