Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
