You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
