I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
