i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
