saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
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5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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