the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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