i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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