Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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