I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
sarcasm needs its own font
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
