6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why is your signature on my underwear?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
