yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
