I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
