i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
