I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
