Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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