Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
