I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
