Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
