it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
