my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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