dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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