I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
