i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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