Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
