hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
