saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
