Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
