mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
