according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
