Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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