So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
