Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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