chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
