wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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