it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on