I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.