2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.