I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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