Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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