You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I got chris browned last night
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
