Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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