last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
