make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
