I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
