ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
