Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
