I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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