Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
