Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
