So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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