i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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